TPC Returns!

(Editor's note: Two-Point Conversion -- or TPC for short -- is a point/counterpoint sports-blog thing written by Luke Peacock and Brian Vidrik, and is probably the most significant thing to happen to the written word since the Bible, or at least since T.O.'s children's book, "Little T Learns to Share.")


Hey there folks. Remember us? We used to write informative and hilarious things about sports until we got busy with our own lives and just forgot to for a while.

Well, turns out our lives are boring. So we're back to inform and entertain you for as long as you'll let us (or until we get distracted again -- we're kind of like cats or children in that way). As always, you know the drill. Use the comments feature at the bottom of each entry to pose a question (generally sports-related, but that's not always a requirement), and the best questions get answered in a timely manner.

If that sounds like fun, read on. And welcome back; we've missed you almost as much as you've missed us.

TPC VERSION 2.0: IT'S GETTING A LITTLE DRAFTY IN HERE

Omar from Anaheim, CA:
So who had the best and worst drafts this past weekend?

LUKE:

Ah I love draft weekend. Spring is finally in the air, and thousands of hopeful, yet horribly biased and poorly informed NFL fans think their team swept the sweepstakes, stole the show, and found diamonds in every round's rough. Sadly, for most of them, their high hopes will have been dashed even before final cuts are made, when it becomes painfully clear that the learning curve from college to the pros is even steeper than it seems on Sundays. For now, though, skies are blue and fans are blind, and even though it takes a couple years to really get some perspective on a draft class, there were a few obvious winners and at least one clear loser this past weekend.

The good: Philadelphia Eagles

I usually don't like a draft without any big guys, and the Eagles draft is suspiciously small. At least until you remember that they traded one of their two first-rounders to Buffalo for Jason Peters, the best tackle in the game. Their draft looks a little bigger after you consider that little factoid. Now, obviously the strength of a draft class is ultimately contingent upon the strength of its first-day picks, and sometimes you have to get a little lucky. The Eagles got a lot lucky when Jeremy Maclin showed up on their doorstep at pick 19, gift-wrapped in swaddling clothes like a tiny angel in a basket. Except, you know, if the angel ran a 4.4 and caught everything within reach. Running back LeSean McCoy was a fantastic pick for the team at 53rd overall, and the team got depth with Cornelius Ingram in the 5th round. This year's Golden Hammer of Awesomeness clearly goes to the Eagles.

The bad: Oakland Raiders

What can you say about Oakland Raider owner Al Davis that hasn't already been said about the CEOs of every failed company from Bear Stearns to General Motors? For as long as he's alive, the Raiders will continue to draft in the top 10 spots every year, and continue to overpay for speed, precious speed. Welcome this year's addition to the freak parade, Darrius Heyward-Bey. Sure, he ran in the 4.3's. I also heard he jumped pretty far. Here's betting none of that matters when the Raiders are 2-14 next season and trying to decide who to pick with the first overall selection in the 2010 draft.

The ugly: Dallas Cowboys

I was tempted to go with Cleveland for their Quantity Over Quality approach here, but I just had to give this one to Dallas. Their first, third, and sixth round picks are all rolled up into Roy Williams, who is a starting WR, but no better (and certainly no cheaper) than whoever they could've gotten for just the first of those three picks. After sitting on their hands for the entire first day, the Cowboys draft a guy nobody's ever heard of with their first pick of the draft, and it just got weirder from there. Let's just say if your best pick is a guy whose ceiling is "Pretty good career backup QB," you took a left turn somewhere in the war room and never recovered.


So there you have it. People "in the know" say it takes 3 years to evaluate a draft class, so I reserve the right to remove my foot from my mouth if Heyward-Bey is playing in the Pro Bowl a few years from now, or if Al Davis adds another Lombardi Trophy to his mantle. On second thought, I'm pretty sure I won't have to worry about that.


BRIAN:

I think that I will have to give a tie to two teams in the race for the best draft. Before we delve into this, I think I should lay my ground rules for how I judged how each team did. My main focus was not need-based, it was based on the idea of "what is the end result this team is trying to achieve?" In this case, that eliminates teams like the Bills who had a nice draft, or the Jets who paid retail price for a QB who has only 400 more college passes than I do. This also eliminates the Browns who selected "Pass" twice in the first round so that it could just fill roster spots rather than actually get better. Other groups that do not make the cut are the Cowboys who selected so many linebackers that it is unlikely that their first pick in the draft (2nd round) will even make the team, and the Bucs who didn't seem to know what round it was or that the draft was even going on. No, this came down to two teams from the lowly AFC West: The Raiders and the Broncos.

We will start with Denver. Before you call me a homer, hear me out. The Broncos are format-changing for the first time since Clinton was in office, so there are different needs than when Shanny was in town. Most notable of these is on the defensive front. So what do they do? They draft running back, Knowshon Moreno. How does this work? Josh McDaniels (or Coach Looney as some would call him) stuck to his draft board and took the best back in the draft. This protects new QB Kyle Orton and keeps the lousy defense off the field. Knoshown Moreno, allows for the mix of power running and pass catching ability that meets the goal of protecting a QB who is excellent when he has time to make a throw. It also allows clock control. Last year Cutler threw on almost every down, thus making for more turnovers and more three-and-outs. Moreover, they were 2nd in the league in yardage, but only middle of the pack in scoring. Saying the Denver offense was potent is like saying the TNT version of Eyes Wide Shut is worth watching. This move allows the crew from the Mile High City to plug the ball into the endzone. The team's second pick was much more traditional, grabbing DE Robert Ayers. Some considered him the best defensive player in the draft, and he fills a hole on the defensive line. No further discussion needed.

Their next pick may be one of the best picks from the 2nd round, in CB Alphonso Smith. Many raised their eyebrows at this pick, not because of the player, but for the cost. Denver gave up a first-round pick next year for this guy. This may seem high, but traditionally a first round next year goes for an early 2nd round this year. It still seems high, but we have to look at the pick. Smith was the best ball hawker in college last year and this is what the team needs. Denver was last in the league in takeaways last year (I think -- if they weren't they should have been). This guy will play nickelback if not corner opposite to Champ this year. He fits the need of controlling the ball and getting the D off the field. The same goes for S McBath (also a ballhawk), who they took next.

The last pick I will discuss is Quinn the TE out of North Carolina. Again, many scoffed as he was only rated the 3rd best TE in the draft, but he was rated the best blocking TE. This fits the mold of the Patriots system that McDaniels wants to impose. The last time the Pats threw a pass to a tight end, Bledsoe may have been the starter, and besides Denver still has Tony Scheffler to play the role of Dallas Clark (TE/WR). The pick fits with what they wanted to do.

Aside from those characters, they took a center, guard, DB, WR and a QB. These are there to fill roster spots and help an offensive line led by "Should have been Rookie of the Year" Ryan Clady. That line still had leftovers from the Elway years, but only allowed 9 sacks last year, so they would need some depth for the future. I would talk about these guys more, but I honestly just don't know who they are.

Overall, Denver stayed true to their draft board and said its long term goal is to control the ball on offense (check), and take the ball away on defense (check). While Mel Kiper might be scratching his head, we have to remember that Kiper is the guy who said there was absolutely no way that Cutler would be better than Matt Leinart or Vince Young. Check and mate, Count Chocula.

The second team is the Oakland Raiders. Why, you ask? Because they did just what they set out to do. The Raiders' goal for the last ten years is to get as many shady characters and first-round draft picks they can. They then take the proven players they do have and trade them for 6th round draft picks. The Raiders saw Michael Crabtree on the board and thought "Is he worth a 6th round pick?" The answer is undoubtedly no. They would get way too much value for him if they wanted to trade him, so they did the Raider thing and drafted a far lesser player in Darrius Heyward-Bey. DHB will fit right in to the Oakland offense; they had been missing a Ashlie Lelie-type wideout who can beat you deep only to drop a wide open ball. Now they have him. There is no outsmarting Al Davis. We scoff, but he is laughing all the way to another first-round pick, just so they can blow it again. Just like he planned.

Welcome to the Hyperbolympics

Good evening from Beijing, where TPC Olympic correspondent Luke Peacock covers the Olympics by reporting on Olympic coverage. True story.

Welcome, readers. Glad you could join us here in the far East. This week's edition (yeah I know nothing's appeared here in over a year; cut us some slack, we're lazy) sheds some light on the craziness surrounding Olympic records and the hubbub over one in particular.

We've seen more than a few handfuls of records fall this week here at the Olympics, where it seems nearly every event shows us that "world record" is a fluid term, bound and almost certain to change at the sound of an air horn, or the drop of a finish line ribbon. The fastest thing at the olympics, however, may not be Usain Bolt or Dara Torres, but the raw swiftness and indiscriminate urgency with which each new accomplishment gets blown out of proportion. Welcome to the Beijing games, the Hyperbole Olympics (or Hyperbolympics, for short).

Now, for prudence's sake -- and to keep from getting our License to Journalize revoked, as per article 489.2a of the Journalism Handbook (the Michael Phelps rule) -- I need to be clear that what Michael Phelps accomplished today and over the last week was, without exaggeration, one of the greatest feats in Olympic history, and he deserves his place among the greatest living athletes. He dominated, with few if any missteps, one hundred percent of the events he entered, demolishing a 30-year-old record in the process, and embarrassing the lifetime achievements of some very notable Olympians.

But reading this article (and hers is just one among many; it was just a good example), you might think Phelps took a week off from redesigning the Sistine Chapel, finding a cure for cancer, and fixing Charles Barkley's golf swing to sweep up eight consecutive gold medals before returning to Darfur to adopt all the limbless babies. I mean, come on people. The guy is a fantastic swimmer, and an amazing athlete. His performance did not, however, reminisce of "God giving us the sun one day and the seas the next," as Ms. Hill would so hyperbolize.

The truth is, two of Phelps' gold medal events -- the 4 x 100 Freestyle relay and the 100 meter Butterfly -- were won by a combined time of less than a tenth of a second, and each could easily have gone the other way. That they didn't is a testament not only to the will of Phelps to win, but also to the strength of the competition and the plain dumb luck that swings from one lane to another throughout a race. This wasn't Tiger Woods winning the Masters by 12 or the U.S. Open by 15; it wasn't Nolan Ryan throwing his record 7th no-hitter at age 44, or Lance Armstrong's 7th Tour de France win after having a ball-ectomy to beat cancer. It was an athlete in his prime, at the top of his sport, doing what an athlete in his prime, at the top of his sport ought to do: win.

Yeah, Phelps won, and it was incredible, and we all stayed up late to watch it. That's what we'll remember years from now, when some phenom sprinter, or javelin-thrower, or -- god forbid -- synchronized diving team is winning its 9th gold medal of a given Olympic games. "We thought he was immortal, some kind of God," we'll all say, and not because we're still hyperbolizing 50 years later, but because, at the time, we were so caught up in the moment, so young and so dumb, so quick on the draw to skid down into the quicksand of exaggeration, that we really, truly, and actually, God bless us, believed it.

Oops!

Editor's note: What follows is the official TPC retraction and apology for predictions contained in last week's column. We humbly ask your forgiveness.


I WAS OFFICIALLY WAY WRONG

Somewhere in Dallas, Jerry Jones is breathing (and by "breathing," I obviously mean "struggling to inhale, with the help of a cornucopia of specially-designed medical equipment, through a fully rhinoplastied nasal cavity made entirely out of silicone and the spines of unborn babies") a huge sigh of relief. He's breathing deep and relaxing, because for exactly one week, his hiring of Wade Phillips was the least inspired, most ho-hum and painfully banal coaching hire of the year. And now the brilliant folks over at the San Diego Chargers, who just last week I extolled for being the wizards behind a masterful execution of coach-firing strategy, have proven themselves to be even less inspired, more doltish and d'oh!-worthy than Jones and the Cowboys, not wizards at all, but crotchety old men behind a green curtain, and the Tin Man they've decided to appoint as their new head coach is none other than Cowboys cast-off Norv Turner.

Yes, folks, Norv Turner is the new answer to the trivia question "Which of the following coaching hires of 2006 yielded the least in terms of fan enthusiasm, player anticipation, and overall results in the short term for which the coach was employed?". Come to think of it, he might be the only possible answer in the multiple choice version of that question, the easiest $100 question in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire history. And yeah, I know that Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was a passe reference like 5 years ago, so shut up. The real question is, how does San Diego even begin to justify this to their fans? The good people of San Diego should take a break from surfing and twirling their hair to stand up and walk out of the city in protest (just don't walk towards Tijuana; I've heard terrible stories about what goes on down there).

What's worst is the squandered opportunity this all represents. The Chargers were poised to make a bold and brilliant hire. Rex Ryan was right there. Mike Singletary was offering himself to them. So they went with a guy who's 58-82-1 in his head coaching career, with 1 playoff win to his name. Here's some trivia for you, courtesy of the Elias Sports Bureau. Among head coaches who have coached three or more teams, only three have entered their third stint with a worse winning percentage than Turner: Marion Campbell (Falcons, 1987), Mike McCormack (Seahawks, 1982), and Roy Andrews (Cleveland Bulldogs, 1927). You want to know why you've never heard of them?

Because they never should've been hired a SECOND time, let alone a THIRD.

Because their coaching resumes, put together, couldn't get them a job parking cars outside the Hall of Fame.

Because the majority of NFL owners and General Managers aren't so monumentally dense as to hire a coach who has done nothing short of prove, elsewhere, that he's fundamentally incapable of winning.


Really, San Diego? Really, A.J. Smith and Dean Spanos? I keep waiting for the ESPN ticker to run across the bottom of whatever painfully boring college basketball game I'm half-watching at the time and say, "Haha just kidding. They really hired Ron Rivera."

Oh wait, they did hire Ron Rivera. As a linebackers coach. Talk about getting the shaft. This guy interviews for nine head coaching vacancies (every vacancy in the last two years, save for the Oakland Raiders' vacancy this year, for which no coach, not even Norv Turner, is bad enough), and doesn't get any of them, an oddity that has to be contributed at least partially to the fact that teams would have had to wait a month to hire him because he's helping take his team to the Super Bowl. And then his own team doesn't re-hire him as a coordinator. If I were this guy, I'd be locked up in a room somewhere muttering curse words, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. If I were Ron Rivera, I'd be too busy trying to invent a time machine to even bother coaching Shawne Merriman and the rest of San Diego's steroid-fueled linebackers.

So this is my official apology, to the loyal readership of Two-Point Conversion (Yeah, that means you, mom; thanks for reading): I'm sorry I got duped by Smith and Spanos. I thought they had something great cooking. Literally any of the potential hires other than Turner would've corroborated my suspicion, and you wouldn't have to be reading this right now.

There, I apologized to my fans. San Diego, it's your turn now.

Marty McFly, etc.

Hey guys, Luke here. I've got a real legitimate column for you this time, but I want to get a few quick items out of the way first. Here goes:

I'M A SPORTS BETTING GENIUS
I don't know how many of you noticed this, but since it's my duty to spend at least one item in each column promoting my own genius, my Colts minus 7 and the under pick was a stone cold money-maker on Super Bowl Sunday, and netted me 20 bucks from Viddy, as well as the gratification of having successfully avoided all the "Everyone's jumping on the Colts, you just KNOW the Bears are going to come out to play" nonsense that we heard for the two weeks leading up to the game. I mean, seriously, Viddy, can you, in retrospect, justify putting your money on Rex Grossman? And I'm even a Florida guy.

WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE PLANE
Yesterday I was on a flight from Dallas to Jacksonville and the guy sitting across the aisle from me had the Under Armor symbol tattooed on his hand. I texted RT to this effect, and his response had me laughing all the way past security: "What's the last thing you hear before you get off the plane? CLICK CLACK!" Click clack indeed, RT. Nicely done.

VIDDY'S GOT A SMALL, FLACCID... MEMORY
Nice column last week, Viddy. I haven't seen so much revisionist history since my freshman-year girlfriend decided to rewrite the chapter of our biography called "The Part Where I'm a Crazy Bitch and Deserved What I Got" and replaced it with the chapter called "All You Ever Do Is Hurt Me and I Think All Our Mutual Friends Should Know About It." The truth is, Brett Favre ranked in the top 5 in interceptions again (Borderline Pro Bowler? Yeah, and I'm borderline screwing Scarlett Johannson.), the Cowboys switched horses midstream and honked out of the playoffs in the first game on the back of their "thoroughbred" Tony Romo, SMU gift-wrapped a win to UNT of all teams (To rid the Mustangs of their bowl-eligibility, no less), and I predicted Bobby Petrino would get an NFL head coaching gig several months before he did. It's safe to say I've got a comfortable lead on Mr. Vidrik in the prognostication department.


But I didn't come here to pat myself on the back or squabble with Viddy about who's the smart one (me) or the dumb one (him). I came here to talk about one of the smartest and shrewdest moves of the NFL offseason so far. I'm not talking about Jerry Jones's botched-up Jason Garrett/Wade Phillips thing, or the fact that the Cardinals of all teams managed to seduce both Ken Whisenhunt AND Russ Grimm away from Pittsburgh. I'm talking about San Diego Chargers GM A.J. Smith and owner Dean Spanos waiting until last night to give Marty Schottenheimer the ax. Happy Valentine's Day, Marty! I hope you like unemployment checks!


SCHOTT THROUGH THE HEART

Let me say first that I love Marty Schottenheimer. I love that his teams are always the strongest, the most physical, the most violent, and the nastiest. I love that he has a playbook 4 inches thick with only 20 passing plays. I loved it when he told Eli Manning to shove it up his ass at the 2004 draft, and I loved it when he told his own general manager the same thing in 2005. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if Schottenheimer came up with that weird dance Shawne Merriman does when he gets finished giving opposing QBs swirlies in the locker room and stealing their steroid money. I even started to write a column about how firing Schottenheimer was the dumbest of the very few dumb moves Smith and Spanos have made this decade, and that waiting to do it until all the other head coaching vacancies in the league have been filled serves only to handcuff their coaching search to a pitifew bunch of barely-qualified retreads and coin-flips. And then I realized that while all of those things may be true (and they probably are; as evidenced earlier in this column, I am rarely wrong), the Chargers may be pulling off the coup of the century, and I'll tell you why.

First, what would the Chargers have gained by firing Schottenheimer hours after the Chargers' playoff collapse at home against New England? Well, the right to interview stud assistants Cam Cameron and Wade Phillips before they shipped off to Miami and Dallas, respectively, as well as maybe a shot at some of the other coordinators who've since signed on to new staffs elsewhere. Had San Diego axed Schotty back in January, Marty's successor almost certainly would've come from the duo of Cameron or Phillips, and if not there, at least from the same group of big-name assistants currently filling spots on other teams. The pressure from the San Diego community alone would've been overwhelming, and Smith and Spanos realized that pressing on with a Schottenheimer staff, minus Schottenheimer, would be like taking the wheels off to spite the wagon, and then having to drag the damn thing, minus wheels, down the Oregon Trail.

So they wait til the guys they don't want to hire anyway are gone (I mean, if they wanted to hire them, they would've fired Schotty in January, right?), and then give Marty the boot, successfully covering their own asses with the local community and freeing them to go interview a candidate who would represent a legitimate fresh start for a program which clearly has the talent to win games, but not the ability to see eye-to-eye from the field to the front office. The four leading candidates for the San Diego job are Ron Rivera (the best of all the coordinator candidates, and a guy who would've been hired months ago had he not taken his team, based solely on the strength of his defensive prowess, no less, to that little game we call the Super Bowl), Mike Singletary (yeah, THAT Mike Singletary, another up-and-comer whose personnel mentality can be molded by Smith), Rex Ryan (anybody else seeing the defensive trend here in the candidacy?), and Norv Turner, who satisfies the Reverse Rooney Rule, which mandates that each team, in addition to interviewing a minority candidate, also interview an old white guy who can't seriously be considered an improvement over the old white guy the team just fired.

Now I'm not saying A.J. Smith had this all figured out back in December, but that lame-duck "contract extension" the Chargers offered Schottenheimer after the season ended (which he ballsily declined -- I love Schottenheimer) certainly smacked of something's-up-ness. And when the sand settles in San Diego, the Chargers will have gotten the best of all possible deals for their Tyrannosaur owner/GM combo: the extraction of the proverbial thorn in their side, and a young, impressionable (and certainly talented) coach, who won't try nearly as hard (or as successfully) as Schottenheimer to wrestle decision-making control away from the front office.

In the end, the whole arrangement is like finally breaking up with the girl you've been meaning to dump for a year and just can't convince yourself to leave. The minute you do, you realize you could've been sleeping with hotter, younger, more adventurous girls the whole time, and you're kicking yourself for not doing it sooner. Congrats to Spanos and Smith on all the hot, young ass they're about to get (figuratively). And Marty, we still love you here at TPC. Enjoy whatever crappy broadcast/analyst/talking head gig you get for the next year until you (and Cowher, your protege) both come back in 2008 to remind us what football is really about: the violent desire to dominate the guy across from you on every play.

And also, steroids.

The Final Score (or Why I am Right and Luke is Always Wrong)

(Editor's note: Some of the follwing was written a few weeks or even months before the actual publishing of this cloumn. In these cases, 'Post Scripts' havce been added to update the information. And yes, I have been that lazy that it has taken me over a month to write this entire column, but that means you should savor it that much more. Also, I am considering this my grand comback into the world of writing. I just thought you should know that.)

Well sports fans, Viddy here. I know we never do anything to this site, but this post is living proof that spontaneity and random checking of the TPC will reward you with gems like today's post. As you might be able to tell from the title of this column, it is basically a one sided look at how much it sucks to have personal involvement, whether in life or in business, with Luke. Just kidding. Actually it is a look back at the erratic, if not sporadically architectured, predictions and bemusements that both Luke and I made in the past year...Or to put it more accurately, I would have to say: "over the course of a two and a half month period where another writer and myself ranted about and wrote our opinions regarding sporty stuff much to the dismay of freethinking people everywhere. All of this haphazardly occurring in months that presuppose the end of 2006."

Yeah. I think that says its best.

With that said, let's get on with the show...

FAVRE
Our first attempt at journalist ranting came in regards to the issue of whether Brett "He just loves to play football. He doesn't care about money. In fact, if his salary was taken away, Brett Favre would take out a small loan to play" Favre should retire. Luke's take: Yes, he should be done playing in the NFL. Viddy's take: Keep playing, in fact trade him to a team that needs a QB.

Well, it seems that I win that round. Not only did Favre throw for 3600 yards and 17 touchdowns, he kept the Packers in playoff contention until the final weeks of the season. He did both of these despite throwing 17 picks and battling the early stages of Alzheimer’s, delusion, and premature graying of the hair. Maybe this one is still a bit subjective, but I believe that had Favre been on a better team (not Oakland like I suggested...my bad on that) he would have put up even better numbers.

I admit that the guy is nearly done. Like a steak that has been sizzling on the fire for hours, his outside is dark and crispy, but deep inside he still has the warm, juicy meat that....umm, where the hell am I going with this???

The short: the guy was a borderline Pro Bowler this year. I was right, Luke was wrong.

(Post Script: I just heard the news that he is going to play for another year and it sent me into a Wikipedia frenzy to see how close he is to breaking my childhood hero/God/fantasy-world father, John Elway's NFL record for wins. Bad news Bronco Country, Favre is tied with Marino...one back of Elway. Dammit, I really was hoping that I wouldn't have to root for a tragic training camp injury, but you leave me with no choice. This is one is on you, Favre.)

Viddy--1
Luke--0

HOW 'BOUT THEM COWBOYS
With the second installment of TPC, Luke and I butted heads over the Dallas Cowboys. I said they were Super Bowl contenders while Luke said that they were not.

There are more issues in this than a drunken phone call from Anna Nicole Smith so lets cut to the core of it all. First, this is a different team with Romo at the helm than it was with Drew Bledsoe; it's a team that can win. Second, after they established themselves as a winning team, they have proceeded to wet the proverbial bed in every big game they have played. Figure this, since beating a severely overrated Indianapolis team at Texas Stadium, the boys have been romped by the Giants, Eagles, and Saints while playing at home. Not good for a "Super Bowl team."

So what do we do? Which team is this? Is it the winning team that blossomed when Romo took over, or is it the losing team that looks to have about as much chemistry as Alex Trebeck on a date with a Paris Hilton? I would say that we have to default to what we know they are capable of, and that is winning.

Not a good enough answer? Tough. I'm calling this one in my favor.

(Post Script: So they lost to Seattle, but I maintain my stance. They should have won in Seattle and probably lost in the next round, but you never know. The Bears proved that the NFC is so weak that it was up for the taking by any team that can get hot at the right time or just be above mediocrity for the whole season. Doubt me? Why were the 49ers in the hunt then? Check and mate.)

Viddy--2
Luke--0

WHAT' CHOU TALKING ABOUT JUSTIN WILLIS?
Ok, wait. I know you fact checkers out there are going to jump on me here. Hear me out first. In this issue, Luke and I swashbuckled each other on the bow of pirate ship while debating about who would win the SMU versus UNT football match-up here in the Metroplex. Luke chimed in saying that UNT would win, while I claimed that SMU would roll.

I was wrong.

Buuuuuttttt...

More than the single game, I was very adamant about the fact that despite the outcome, SMU was a superior team. I don't think I need to remind everyone of my tirade on this site after the loss that prompted an old flame of mine (a UNT alum) to make a personal attack on the site, forcing me to turn off the comments section for about a week. Regardless, I think the record comparison speaks for itself. After all, I think SMU's 6-6 bowl-eligible record beats out UNT's 3-9 season that resulted in North Texas firing their coach. Just a thought.

Quick note: SMU blew quite a few opportunities to win one more game a secure a bowl, but hey it’s SMU, and I am used to it. Also, North Texas firing coach Dickey was a huge mistake. He led them to the only four conference titles in their history, and they canned him after only two losing seasons for an unproven coach like Todd Dodge. That would be like if Hollywood pretended 21 Jump Street and Edward Scissorhands never happened and blackballed Johnny Depp after Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare and replaced him with Pauly Shore. But that's not even the worst part. The UNT boosters threatened to pull their funding because of the move, so the university named their soon-to-be-built stadium after him. What? I will never understand this. "Thanks for everything Coach. Look at your name up there. Isn't it great?...Well don't let the door hit you on the way out! Jerk."

Nonsense, that school.

Viddy--3
Luke--0.5 (for getting the game right)

KENNY ROGERS IS A CHEATER
We didn't even talk about this, but I just wanted to see it in all caps and bold lettering. And I love it. What we did do was hold a scholarly debate over MLB wild card predictions regarding the American and National League.

Let’s go to the scorecard here, and I picked the Twinkies and the Dodgers while Luke also picked the Twins, but incorrectly chose the Marlins. Wait, I know what you're about to say: the Twins didn't win the wild card; they won the division. True, but I can also point to the fact that I chose the Tigers, who won the wild card, to win that division.

What am I driving at here? Basically I am trying to make myself feel better about just missing this pick by demonstrating that I correctly chose all three teams, just in the wrong order. There's still glory in that, right? I think so.

In a bit of an aside, I wrote a small little ditty in this same column about the Tigers and their postseason chances, which came true when the St. Louis Cardinals beat them in the World Series. Just for kicks, I'll reprint it here:

"Before I move on, I want to say something to those Detroit fans out there. Despite Detroit leading the AL in wins, batting average allowed, and former Texas Rangers, they will not win the World Series. So why am I so sold on this? Because God hates the Tigers and he wants expectations to be that much higher for when they will ultimately fail in the playoffs. Tell me I’m wrong."

I think it safe to say that being a Tigers fan is like being in love with Madonna back in 1987, but only managing to finally land a date with her in the year 2007. You're ecstatic about the fact that it's Madonna, but you can't shake the feeling that this is not what you had in mind when you first saw her twenty years ago.

As for Luke's picks? Almost, buddy. Almost.

Viddy--4
Luke--0.5

MIKE LEACH HAS A STRANGE OBSESSION WITH PIRATES
Luke and I faced the jarring issue of why Texas Tech got worked over by TCU, and their prospects of the rest of the season. I went into 800 words of glorious, mind-numbing detail just to say something simple like, "they need a defense." Luke agreed with me (smart move), but deferred to my long-windedness. I then went on to say that Tech would be OK, and would still be bowl bound.

Results: I was correct. Tech faced Minnesota in the Something or Other Bowl and staged the largest comeback in College Bowl history, wining 44-41 in overtime, and getting Minnesota's head coach fired for no reason. That's quite an achievement. That seems like the equivalent of attempting to see if your 4x4 truck can make it up a mountain, but slashing the tires and seting the engine on fire after getting stuck in the mud twenty feet from the top. Just doesn't make that much sense to me.

(Another reason the game was so impressive is that it took the SMU-BYU Holiday Bowl loss out of the records for the biggest comeback win. I wasn't even alive and I still hate BYU for this. Now if I could get just get my beloved Denver Broncos off the record for being at the ass end of the most lopsided Super Bowl ever. Damn you, Joe Montana.)

Also, Luke really kind of avoided the subject and went on a random tangent in the original column. Maybe that works for Pat, but not in a point/counter point column. That will cost you.

Viddy--5
Luke--0 (-0.5 for avoiding the question)

OH, WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN...TO CHICAGO
In our final head-to head, Luke and I faced off on the issue of whether or not the New Orleans Saints were for real this season. By now, you may be able to predict my take on them. I claimed that they were for real, but that I still wasn't sure what kind of team they were. I predicted that they would be in the upper half of the NFC and make the playoffs. Damn, I'm good. I had no idea that they would become the number two seed in the playoffs, but who could have predicted that? That is like trying to figure out how Pauly Shore gained fame back in the early to mid nineties. Just mind boggling.

(Ha! Two Pauly Shore references in one column! Wait, I'm not sure I should be proud of this.)

Honestly, I think the Saints could have beaten Chicago just as easily as they lost to them, but that's another story.

Luke wisely avoided the subject and let me handle it on my on. Good move, buddy, but even you can't hide behind your fears. I call this one a forfeit. Minus one!

(Random Note: Call me biased or call me crazy, but I think Drew Brees was the MVP this season. Yes, LT had a great season this year, and in fact, it was possibly the best season by a running back ever, but he wasn't irreplaceable. Why do I say this? Because Michael Turner could have ran for 22 TD's in that offense. That's why. There was not going to be a huge drop off if they lost him. I mean, sure, they are a different team, but they would still be contenders. Brees on the other hand, was the main catalyst for the Saints success. He took a team of rookies and cast-offs and made them the number two seed! I mean last year the Chargers were a winning team that just missed the playoffs, but the Saints were junk. They were a team without a home or a chance. That changed when Brees started chucking the ball for them. For that reason, I think he should have been the MVP. I think I need to stop talking about this before I break into my NBA rant about Dirk being the MVP.)

FINAL SCORE
Viddy--6
Luke-- -1 (-1 for a forfeit)

Conveniently, I am going to stop here and ignore whatever was written after the Saints column because it obviously has no semblance in my argument and probably doesn't matter anyways. Before I wrap this up, I think it’s easy to see that the numbers don't lie: I'm sports smart and Luke is sports dumb, sports careless, and in all likelihood sports blind. You can see from the final score, that I was right an astonishing 6 our of 6 times (my calculations) while Luke was horribly wrong in his decisions every time, much like Colin Farrell moments before agreeing to make Phone Booth. Furthermore, his negative score indicates the he, in fact, owes us one. Like Colin Farrell after making Phone Booth. Regardless, I think its time to end our little tally for this year, but we will be back with more sports knowledge and all that implies soon. Keep the questions coming in, and maybe, just maybe, we will answer them. Now if you will excuse me, I have a little high stepping over Luke's crumpled body to do; as I strut my way to the end zone.

B.Viddy

PRE-SUPER BOWL UPDATE

Greetings, occasional readers! TPC has spent some time in sunny Miami, Florida this week, collecting bits of news and juicy gossip for our veritable tens of eager, anxious readers. Although we were unable to secure an actual press pass for media day (apparently our Associated Press accreditation papers got lost in the mail), we kept our ear to the figurative grindstone, and are here with some of this week's most pressing and engaging news stories. Enjoy.


NFL TO DEDICATE SUPER BOWL TO BARBARO, RENAME TROPHY
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Wednesday that Super Bowl XLI will be held in memory of Barbaro, the Kentucky Derby-winning colt whose leg injury and subsequent struggle with laminitis resulted in his euthanization early this week. "I think we can all learn something from Barbaro's courageous and inspiring battle these past months," Goodell eulogized, before announcing that the Vince Lombardi trophy, customarily awarded to the winner of each year's Super Bowl, will be renamed the Barbaro trophy, in the horse's honor. "Additionally," Goodell continued, "Any players suffering injuries in Sunday's game will be immediately and indiscriminately euthanized on-field. It's what Barbaro would have wanted."


TANK JOHNSON OFFERED SCHOLARSHIP TO UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI
One Bears player making the most of his trip to Miami is defensive tackle Tank Johnson, who reportedly has been offered a full scholarship to the University of Miami, should he choose to return to college following the end of the football season. "Mr. Tank meets all of our criminal background requirements," explained University president Donna Shalala, "and would almost certainly be a mentor to some of our incoming freshmen, whose hopefully long and lucrative careers in fields such as larceny, narcotics smuggling, and armed robbery lay ahead of them."


PEYTON REHEARSING WITH STONE FOR UPCOMING "FICTIONAL" BIOPIC
Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning this week admitted that the Super Bowl is not his only reason for making the trip to Miami. "I've been rehearsing with Oliver Stone for a movie we'll be making together this summer." Stone, the acclaimed director, apparently noticed Manning's acting abilities in his many television advertisements. "I could tell Peyton was a serious actor, the Cary Grant of faux-mustachioed cell phone salesmen, you might say," Stone remarked via conference call from his South Beach estate. "I couldn't wait to cast him in this film." The movie, sources say, is about the struggles of a quarterback shedding his father's loser reputation and his own big-game failures in the past to finally succeed on the game's largest stage, only to find out that even winning a Super Bowl, if you're Peyton Manning, won't get you laid.


DUNGY, SMITH FINALLY VALIDATE ROONEY RULE, FOURTEENTH AMENDMENT
On Super Bowl Sunday, Colts coach Tony Dungy and Bears coach Lovie Smith will become the first black coaches to coach in a Super Bowl, a validation of the NFL's "Rooney Rule," which requires owners to interview at least one black candidate during head coaching searches, and a landmark achievement in the ongoing struggle for civil rights. Said Smith, "Sunday's game will finally silence critics of the fourteenth amendment, and prove, once and for all, that African-Americans are capable of doing all the same things as white people. Except, obviously, country music. We'll leave that to you guys."


MANNING LEAVES TICKET AT WILL CALL FOR "SPECIAL FRIEND"
One of the more mysterious developments of the week leading up to the Super Bowl has been that of the strange ticket left at will call by Peyton Manning, the Colts quarterback. Sources are reporting that Peyton has left one ticket to Sunday's game at will call, under the name "Chenny Kesney." Sources have not been able to discern the identity behind the alias, and Manning has declined to comment on the story.


KANYE WEST: "DREW BREES DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE"
One week after the New Orleans Saints' defeat at the hands of the Chicago Bears in the NFC championship game, rapper Kanye West has caused another stir by suggesting that Saints quarterback Drew Brees lacks sympathy for the plight of African-Americans displaced by Hurricane Katrina. "The fact remains, Drew Brees doesn't care about black people," cried West. "Everyone knows how important the Saints are to New Orleans' recovery from Katrina. If Drew Brees cared at all about black people, he would've quit throwing to Marques Colston last weekend and gotten Reggie and Deuce more involved. Obviously, Brees cares more about his own statistics than he does about rebuilding New Orleans." West also decried the racist sympathies of the entire Saints' defense, for allowing that "White devil Rex Grossman" to score 39 points on them.


SUPER BOWL COMMITTEE TO DISCUSS SHORTENING GAME
The NFL's Super Bowl Committee has agreed to discuss shortening the game time of the Super Bowl to allow for more elaborate pre-game, halftime, and post-game entertainment. "We all agree that the Super Bowl broadcast runs a little long," said one NFL executive who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Broadcasts in recent years have run upwards of 7 hours. This year, we're having to stretch quite a bit to fit Billy Joel, Prince, and Beyonce in, and we had to reject many worthy entertainers, such as Christina Aguilera and Kevin Federline. We'd like to contract the pre- and post-halftime portions -- what is now known as 'the game' -- to provide more advertising and entertainment value to the casual Super Bowl viewer." Changes could be enacted as soon as Super Bowl XLII, scheduled for February 3, 2008.



That's all for now. Thanks for your time, and if you've got some extra cash on hand for this weekend, the official TPC progno-cast is that the Colts minus 7 and the under to 48.5 are a mortal lock to make you a few bucks in Vegas. Don't say we didn't tell you so.

Back from vacation...

TRUE STORY: Women often say to me at bars, “Hey Luke, can I buy you a drink and listen to you ramble about sports for either (a) several hours, or (b) until I fall over and die of boredom?” And I generally answer “Thanks, but I try to save my drunken sports ramblings for the internet column that B. Viddy and I have forgotten to write for the last several months. I appreciate the offer though.” And then I find myself on days like today, sober as Reggie White in the pulpit, and still about as lucid as Darren Daulton finalizing his plans to board the mothership.

So today’s column goes out to all those beautiful women I’ve disappointed at various bars throughout the Dallas and Jacksonville metroplexes. Here are the answers to all those questions you would’ve asked me on any of those nights on which I hallucinated your would-be interest in my opinions on the following topics.


1. Of the four non-championship BCS bowls, did it ever occur to you that the most watchable game would be the one featuring the WAC team?

Not once. I’m not so surprised by Boise State’s ability to compete as much as I am by the colossal duds that the USC-Michigan and LSU-Notre Dame games were. When a system designed to create epic contests between elite college football teams craps out two twenty-plus-point blowouts in four games, something’s terribly wrong with the system. Hell, the best team that played in a BCS bowl (LSU) didn’t even play in its own conference’s championship game. That being said, the Fiesta bowl this year was the best college football game played this century (sorry, Texas’ Rose Bowl win over USC, you’re number two now), and might be the best football game I’ve ever seen, right there with the 1996 AFC Wild Card game between the Broncos and Jaguars, the Titans/Bills Music City Miracle game, and that one weekend flag football game we played where Conway caught an improbable number of touchdown passes (one an improvised trick pass from Hunter), and Bill ran back an interception for a touchdown while H-man yelled “BILLIONS!” at the top of his lungs in the background. Seriously, the Fiesta bowl was that good.

2. Really? The best you’ve ever seen?

I mean, yeah. That wild card game was pretty fantastic (unless you were a Broncos fan), and I wasn’t really alive for the Ice Bowl or the Immaculate Reception or any of that. I’ll tell you what iced it for me. It wasn’t the hook-and-ladder or the statue of liberty, though those were fantastic. It was Chris Petersen’s awkward fist-pump after the statue of liberty play succeeded that clearly said two very distinct things: (1) “I’m very excited that my trick play worked,” and (2) “I’m too white and too new at this coaching thing to know what to do when the camera’s on me. My team needs to hurry up with the Gatorade bath so I can just look surprised like other coaches do.” When you add up the trick plays, the drama, and that damn fist-pump, not even The Catch, The Drive, The Stanford Band, The Music City Miracle, or anything can top that. The Statue of Liberty Fist Pump is my new favorite game.

3. Okay, so how about Nick Saban coming back to college? Is that noteworthy?

I mean, blah blah whatever. Lost in all the commotion over Saban is how this might not even be the best move for Alabama. I mean, the last thing Mal Moore needs to do in Tuscaloosa is disappoint his big-dollar boosters with another underachieving coach. And when you pay a guy 32 million bucks, anything short of a national championship is underachievement. And how short a leash do they have in Tuscaloosa? Let’s just say Saban has to get himself a ring before he graduates his first recruiting class. Tell me that’s not a recipe for disappointment. Add to that mix the overwhelming deluge of talent at the other big schools in the SEC, and Saban, whose recruitment strategies benefited at LSU by his being the coach of the only major football school in a talent-rich state (a distinction not shared by Alabama, whose potential recruits often split for Auburn, if not other out-of-state schools), might not even post a ten-win season before he graduates his first recruits (a mark the ousted Mike Shula set in just his second season, one season before being fired this year). Clearly Alabama hasn’t paid attention to the way the other big schools in the SEC have built their programs, by hiring talented up-and-coming coaches from smaller schools (Urban Meyer from Utah to Florida, Saban initially from Michigan State to LSU) or from within the coordinator ranks at larger schools (Les Miles at LSU, Mark Richt at Georgia). Often those coaches reward the opportunity to coach at the highest level with a measure of loyalty once they start winning. Saban has no penchant for loyalty anyhow, and since he’s already coached at this level and higher, even if Alabama gets their wish with a national championship, they’re a veritable lock to lose their head coach shortly thereafter. I’m not saying Saban isn’t a great coach, but the more you look at it, the more it looks like a hasty, terrible hire by a program that might have its trunk too far up its asshole to realize it’s not the marquee program it once was.

4. Speaking of coaching changes, didn’t you say several months ago that Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino ought to be considered for NFL head coaching vacancies?

Yep, sure did.

5. And now he’s been hired by the Falcons, right?

Yep, sure has.

6. Do you feel kind of brilliant right now?

Yep, sure do.

7. Do you want to talk about the BCS championship game tonight?

Yeah, I guess.

8. What does Florida need to do to win?

There are four things that Florida absolutely must do to have a shot at sneaking a win past Ohio State. If they neglect any of these four, they’re done. The four keys for Florida are:

1. Protect Chris Leak.
When Leak gets rattled, he makes erratic throws and turns the ball over (see: UF’s loss to Auburn this year). Keep the Ohio State pass rush at bay and let him make the accurate throws he’s able to make when he’s not feeling the pass rush in his face. By all means, this must happen.

2. Rush Troy Smith.
The opposite has to happen on defense. Troy Smith isn’t a tall guy, and he’s not as speedy on the outside as he looks. Get pressure on him, and if you can’t get to him, put your hands up. He’ll make mistakes, too, if he can’t see his receivers.

3. Play good zone coverage.
This means you, Reggie Nelson. If Charlie Strong says play three-deep coverage, Reggie’s gotta get back into center field and use some of that breakneck speed to chase down a pass or two. Ted Ginn and Anthony Gonzalez are too fast on the outside, and Brian Robiskie is too strong in the slot, to let them roam free. Ohio State will split four and five wide receivers, so Nelson and the other Gator defensive backs need to collapse the deep zones and create turnovers when possible.

4. Fix the kicking game.
50 percent from the kickers on the season isn’t going to cut it in a game that (supposing Florida can handle the first three on this list) might very well come down to a missed field goal or extra point. Maybe “fixing the kicking game” means going for it on a fourth-and-short from midfield. If that’s the case, put Tim Tebow in and let him do his thing. Whatever it is, the kicks have to be high-percentage attempts and they must be converted.

If Florida can manage those four things, they will likely have a shot to put the game away in the fourth quarter and bring home the Gators’ first championship since this time last decade.

9. Anything else you want to get off your chest?

I’m kind of furious the Jaguars collapsed late in the season and couldn’t win any one of three games against the Titans, Patriots, or Chiefs to land themselves in the playoffs. Jack Del Rio said this offseason, of the close losses the Jaguars endured, “You have to be able to rally for a win in those situations. You don’t have to win all of them, but you have to be able to win some of them.” He’s absolutely right. Of the Jaguars’ eight losses this season, seven were by a touchdown or less. One of those losses was by seven points to a Tennessee team whose offense managed as many points (three) as first downs on the day, and whose defense accounted for the other 21 points they hung on the Jags. I don’t know if it’s a quarterbacking issue or a mental toughness issue for which the entire team (and coaching staff) is responsible, but it needs to be fixed this offseason.

Also, my NCAA head coach of the year award goes to Jim Grobe of Wake Forest. He probably already won the AP award or whatever (I don’t really pay attention to all that), but to post a double-digit win total as the favorite to finish last in the ACC is a big deal. Doing it with a third-string redshirt freshman QB (who happens to hail from Jacksonville, FL, — like me — and who happened to attend The Bolles School — like me) is remarkable. It’d be like Marty Schottenheimer suddenly fielding the best team in the NFL or something. Wait...

Finally, my condolences to Cowboys fans everywhere for what transpired Saturday night against the Seahawks. I’ll admit I was rooting against the Cowboys in that game, but I can’t imagine the heavy sinking feeling your collective hearts must have experienced when golden boy Tony Romo couldn’t handle a measly snap-and-hold for Martin “Automatica” Gramatica to win Dallas’s first playoff game in nearly a decade. I said earlier this season, “Tony Romo is no Tom Brady,” and while Romo may have made the Pro Bowl (a gross misjudgment and product of the faulty Pro Bowl voting — we’ll save that for another day) and Tom Brady may have missed out (also better saved for another column), let me just say one thing: Tom Brady would never have dropped that snap. Never.

10. Well, that about wraps it up, huh?

Yeah, I guess it does. Viddy and I will do our parts to write more often on this thing, and it would certainly help us stay on the ball if you guys did your parts as well and maybe asked a question or two, using the comment feature below. Since football season’s wrapping up over the next two weeks, your questions about the ongoing basketball season, or the hot-stove baseball offseason are welcome. Don’t ask about hockey, though; we try our best not to write about hippie Canadian non-sports. Thanks, you’re the best.