Two Point Conversion #5: Texas Tech

TPC #5: TECH-NICAL DIFFICULTIES


Reed from Lubbock, TX:
I have to ask what you think about the outcome of the Texas Tech vs. TCU game. First, what the hell happened? Second, how do you think Tech will handle the rest of their pretty rough schedule with the Big 12? I swear if you don't tell me something to get my faith back in my team I will have to become an SMU fan.


BRIAN:

What happened? What do you mean what happened? You got worked! The mighty Texas Tech offense was taken to school, thrown in the boiler room, and beaten with a broom by the school janitor. After dropping 70 points on TCU the last time they met, Tech was only able to manage 3 points this time. Let me repeat that, TEXAS TECH WAS HELD TO 3 FREAKING POINTS! That would be like watching a Jenna Jameson movie where she only takes her top off. In both cases I feel short-changed and a little cranky afterwards.

I think the Frawgs proved, much to my own dismay, that they are indeed for real this year. Of course, they were for real last year too, but found a way to lose to Tony Romo and the SMU Mustangs, so don’t discount some fool hearty loss to some lowly Mountain West team just yet. Anyways, the reason for the loss is simple, TCU played football and Texas Tech played wild-ass football. I have always said that on any given Saturday, Texas Tech can beat any team and can lose to any team. They spread their linemen out like fifth graders playing red rover, trying stretch the defense. Then they just tell everyone to go deep. Why does this work? Well, it’s kind of like that team that ran an unbalanced offense in high school, or the one that had so many goofy formations. If they keep you on guessing and on your heels, they can beat you. The problem with this is that it flies in the face of all conventional football wisdom.

History has shown us that gimmick offenses are not the best way to win. If they were, other teams would use them. Novelties like Tech’s offense are best suited for teams that can’t otherwise compete with the football factory schools. These systems take advantage of average-to-above-average players and make the best of their abilities in an effort to shorten the gap in talent between these schools and the football factories. Tech does this with speed. They figure if you have to run with them, you are gonna have a hard time keeping up for four quarters. Call it the Steve Prefontaine offense. Other teams like Air Force, and until recently Nebraska, use unique formations and option plays to keep their opponent guessing. If your opponent has to change their game plan to suit a particular offense just for one week, there is at least a decent chance that they will be unable to completely prepare themselves, rendering the possibility of an upset. Basically, what I am saying is never to gamble on these teams under any circumstance.

The difference is that in almost every case of a novelty team (Tech) playing a stronger team (Texas, etc.) is that the stronger team will win if they are able to limit their mistakes. This is the absolute opposite of what Tech did against TCU (who I am begrudgingly calling a stronger team). The mistakes on Tech’s behalf were more plentiful than snobby TCU students wearing purple. Tech had a punt blocked and failed to convert on fourth down three times. Conversely, TCU ran the ball like a traditional power team, and capitalized on TTU’s mistakes. Their defense was able to run with Tech, holding them to only 242 yards, compared to the 586 yards surrendered by TCU the last time these two met. The only thing worse than living in a dry county like Lubbock is living in a dry county like Lubbock after your football team gets worked over something wicked. “Somebody get those guys a drink, they look terrible. No beer? Damn, grab some Mountain Dew then. This is gonna be a long night.”

The other problem is that Tech Coach Mike Leach forgot to put a defense on his team, despite the improvements they made last year. Its kind of like that scene in The Rookie where Randy Quaid finds out that the reason his baseball team’s playing field sucks is that the deer keep eating up all the grass. Didn’t anybody think to put a fence around this thing when they built it? Same thing as Texas Tech. If you don’t protect what you have, you can lose it. Tech has a great team, but when the offense stalls they need some other ways to win games. They don’t have any.

But fear not, all those faithful to the Lubbock Dirt Burglars; the season is not lost. The Big 12 is not nearly as strong as it once was. The Texas game will be tough, but games that looked tough early on (Colorado), are looking easier than Madonna during her Material Girl stage. If they limit their mistakes, Tech should be able to finish the season with somewhere between 1-3 losses. Besides, if they lose to Oklahoma, you can always just complain about the officiating until they take the loss away. (ed: ZING!)

Load up your trailers, Tech is bowl bound. But remember, if I am wrong and you do decide to join the SMU bandwagon, there is one thing you should know; you can never fail if you abandon your goals, aspirations, and every grain of higher expectations you’ve ever had. And that’s a lesson we should all learn. That’s the lesson SMU football teaches.



LUKE:

Wow, Brian. 800 words and you didn’t leave anything for me to say. So Reed, I’m going to say one thing to you. Tech sucks, why not root for SMU? Being an SMU football fan is one of the best parts of my life, and it’s for this reason: I’m never disappointed. Seriously, never. What, SMU lost again? Big deal, I was there for the two seasons we didn’t win a game. SMU won? Great, let’s go to Pluckers and get drunk! SMU’s on a bye week? Let’s go to TCU and piss on their field turf! See? There are no bad scenarios, only upside.

Let’s call it the Chili Relleno Theory. I remember Brian saying once that the best way to tell what kind of Mexican restaurant you’re in is to order a chili relleno; the theory is that anybody can hit one out of the park with a burrito or an enchilada, but only real Mexicans (and by real Mexicans I obviously mean illegal Mexicans; read between the lines, folks) can nail a good chili relleno.

Being an SMU fan is like ordering the chili relleno. If it turns out good, you’re stoked. If it comes out bad, you just get drunk and move on. Lesson learned.

That’s what we do best in Texas, anyway; get drunk and move on. Why else would all the good country songs get written here?