Back from vacation...

TRUE STORY: Women often say to me at bars, “Hey Luke, can I buy you a drink and listen to you ramble about sports for either (a) several hours, or (b) until I fall over and die of boredom?” And I generally answer “Thanks, but I try to save my drunken sports ramblings for the internet column that B. Viddy and I have forgotten to write for the last several months. I appreciate the offer though.” And then I find myself on days like today, sober as Reggie White in the pulpit, and still about as lucid as Darren Daulton finalizing his plans to board the mothership.

So today’s column goes out to all those beautiful women I’ve disappointed at various bars throughout the Dallas and Jacksonville metroplexes. Here are the answers to all those questions you would’ve asked me on any of those nights on which I hallucinated your would-be interest in my opinions on the following topics.


1. Of the four non-championship BCS bowls, did it ever occur to you that the most watchable game would be the one featuring the WAC team?

Not once. I’m not so surprised by Boise State’s ability to compete as much as I am by the colossal duds that the USC-Michigan and LSU-Notre Dame games were. When a system designed to create epic contests between elite college football teams craps out two twenty-plus-point blowouts in four games, something’s terribly wrong with the system. Hell, the best team that played in a BCS bowl (LSU) didn’t even play in its own conference’s championship game. That being said, the Fiesta bowl this year was the best college football game played this century (sorry, Texas’ Rose Bowl win over USC, you’re number two now), and might be the best football game I’ve ever seen, right there with the 1996 AFC Wild Card game between the Broncos and Jaguars, the Titans/Bills Music City Miracle game, and that one weekend flag football game we played where Conway caught an improbable number of touchdown passes (one an improvised trick pass from Hunter), and Bill ran back an interception for a touchdown while H-man yelled “BILLIONS!” at the top of his lungs in the background. Seriously, the Fiesta bowl was that good.

2. Really? The best you’ve ever seen?

I mean, yeah. That wild card game was pretty fantastic (unless you were a Broncos fan), and I wasn’t really alive for the Ice Bowl or the Immaculate Reception or any of that. I’ll tell you what iced it for me. It wasn’t the hook-and-ladder or the statue of liberty, though those were fantastic. It was Chris Petersen’s awkward fist-pump after the statue of liberty play succeeded that clearly said two very distinct things: (1) “I’m very excited that my trick play worked,” and (2) “I’m too white and too new at this coaching thing to know what to do when the camera’s on me. My team needs to hurry up with the Gatorade bath so I can just look surprised like other coaches do.” When you add up the trick plays, the drama, and that damn fist-pump, not even The Catch, The Drive, The Stanford Band, The Music City Miracle, or anything can top that. The Statue of Liberty Fist Pump is my new favorite game.

3. Okay, so how about Nick Saban coming back to college? Is that noteworthy?

I mean, blah blah whatever. Lost in all the commotion over Saban is how this might not even be the best move for Alabama. I mean, the last thing Mal Moore needs to do in Tuscaloosa is disappoint his big-dollar boosters with another underachieving coach. And when you pay a guy 32 million bucks, anything short of a national championship is underachievement. And how short a leash do they have in Tuscaloosa? Let’s just say Saban has to get himself a ring before he graduates his first recruiting class. Tell me that’s not a recipe for disappointment. Add to that mix the overwhelming deluge of talent at the other big schools in the SEC, and Saban, whose recruitment strategies benefited at LSU by his being the coach of the only major football school in a talent-rich state (a distinction not shared by Alabama, whose potential recruits often split for Auburn, if not other out-of-state schools), might not even post a ten-win season before he graduates his first recruits (a mark the ousted Mike Shula set in just his second season, one season before being fired this year). Clearly Alabama hasn’t paid attention to the way the other big schools in the SEC have built their programs, by hiring talented up-and-coming coaches from smaller schools (Urban Meyer from Utah to Florida, Saban initially from Michigan State to LSU) or from within the coordinator ranks at larger schools (Les Miles at LSU, Mark Richt at Georgia). Often those coaches reward the opportunity to coach at the highest level with a measure of loyalty once they start winning. Saban has no penchant for loyalty anyhow, and since he’s already coached at this level and higher, even if Alabama gets their wish with a national championship, they’re a veritable lock to lose their head coach shortly thereafter. I’m not saying Saban isn’t a great coach, but the more you look at it, the more it looks like a hasty, terrible hire by a program that might have its trunk too far up its asshole to realize it’s not the marquee program it once was.

4. Speaking of coaching changes, didn’t you say several months ago that Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino ought to be considered for NFL head coaching vacancies?

Yep, sure did.

5. And now he’s been hired by the Falcons, right?

Yep, sure has.

6. Do you feel kind of brilliant right now?

Yep, sure do.

7. Do you want to talk about the BCS championship game tonight?

Yeah, I guess.

8. What does Florida need to do to win?

There are four things that Florida absolutely must do to have a shot at sneaking a win past Ohio State. If they neglect any of these four, they’re done. The four keys for Florida are:

1. Protect Chris Leak.
When Leak gets rattled, he makes erratic throws and turns the ball over (see: UF’s loss to Auburn this year). Keep the Ohio State pass rush at bay and let him make the accurate throws he’s able to make when he’s not feeling the pass rush in his face. By all means, this must happen.

2. Rush Troy Smith.
The opposite has to happen on defense. Troy Smith isn’t a tall guy, and he’s not as speedy on the outside as he looks. Get pressure on him, and if you can’t get to him, put your hands up. He’ll make mistakes, too, if he can’t see his receivers.

3. Play good zone coverage.
This means you, Reggie Nelson. If Charlie Strong says play three-deep coverage, Reggie’s gotta get back into center field and use some of that breakneck speed to chase down a pass or two. Ted Ginn and Anthony Gonzalez are too fast on the outside, and Brian Robiskie is too strong in the slot, to let them roam free. Ohio State will split four and five wide receivers, so Nelson and the other Gator defensive backs need to collapse the deep zones and create turnovers when possible.

4. Fix the kicking game.
50 percent from the kickers on the season isn’t going to cut it in a game that (supposing Florida can handle the first three on this list) might very well come down to a missed field goal or extra point. Maybe “fixing the kicking game” means going for it on a fourth-and-short from midfield. If that’s the case, put Tim Tebow in and let him do his thing. Whatever it is, the kicks have to be high-percentage attempts and they must be converted.

If Florida can manage those four things, they will likely have a shot to put the game away in the fourth quarter and bring home the Gators’ first championship since this time last decade.

9. Anything else you want to get off your chest?

I’m kind of furious the Jaguars collapsed late in the season and couldn’t win any one of three games against the Titans, Patriots, or Chiefs to land themselves in the playoffs. Jack Del Rio said this offseason, of the close losses the Jaguars endured, “You have to be able to rally for a win in those situations. You don’t have to win all of them, but you have to be able to win some of them.” He’s absolutely right. Of the Jaguars’ eight losses this season, seven were by a touchdown or less. One of those losses was by seven points to a Tennessee team whose offense managed as many points (three) as first downs on the day, and whose defense accounted for the other 21 points they hung on the Jags. I don’t know if it’s a quarterbacking issue or a mental toughness issue for which the entire team (and coaching staff) is responsible, but it needs to be fixed this offseason.

Also, my NCAA head coach of the year award goes to Jim Grobe of Wake Forest. He probably already won the AP award or whatever (I don’t really pay attention to all that), but to post a double-digit win total as the favorite to finish last in the ACC is a big deal. Doing it with a third-string redshirt freshman QB (who happens to hail from Jacksonville, FL, — like me — and who happened to attend The Bolles School — like me) is remarkable. It’d be like Marty Schottenheimer suddenly fielding the best team in the NFL or something. Wait...

Finally, my condolences to Cowboys fans everywhere for what transpired Saturday night against the Seahawks. I’ll admit I was rooting against the Cowboys in that game, but I can’t imagine the heavy sinking feeling your collective hearts must have experienced when golden boy Tony Romo couldn’t handle a measly snap-and-hold for Martin “Automatica” Gramatica to win Dallas’s first playoff game in nearly a decade. I said earlier this season, “Tony Romo is no Tom Brady,” and while Romo may have made the Pro Bowl (a gross misjudgment and product of the faulty Pro Bowl voting — we’ll save that for another day) and Tom Brady may have missed out (also better saved for another column), let me just say one thing: Tom Brady would never have dropped that snap. Never.

10. Well, that about wraps it up, huh?

Yeah, I guess it does. Viddy and I will do our parts to write more often on this thing, and it would certainly help us stay on the ball if you guys did your parts as well and maybe asked a question or two, using the comment feature below. Since football season’s wrapping up over the next two weeks, your questions about the ongoing basketball season, or the hot-stove baseball offseason are welcome. Don’t ask about hockey, though; we try our best not to write about hippie Canadian non-sports. Thanks, you’re the best.