Two Point Conversion #5: Texas Tech

TPC #5: TECH-NICAL DIFFICULTIES


Reed from Lubbock, TX:
I have to ask what you think about the outcome of the Texas Tech vs. TCU game. First, what the hell happened? Second, how do you think Tech will handle the rest of their pretty rough schedule with the Big 12? I swear if you don't tell me something to get my faith back in my team I will have to become an SMU fan.


BRIAN:

What happened? What do you mean what happened? You got worked! The mighty Texas Tech offense was taken to school, thrown in the boiler room, and beaten with a broom by the school janitor. After dropping 70 points on TCU the last time they met, Tech was only able to manage 3 points this time. Let me repeat that, TEXAS TECH WAS HELD TO 3 FREAKING POINTS! That would be like watching a Jenna Jameson movie where she only takes her top off. In both cases I feel short-changed and a little cranky afterwards.

I think the Frawgs proved, much to my own dismay, that they are indeed for real this year. Of course, they were for real last year too, but found a way to lose to Tony Romo and the SMU Mustangs, so don’t discount some fool hearty loss to some lowly Mountain West team just yet. Anyways, the reason for the loss is simple, TCU played football and Texas Tech played wild-ass football. I have always said that on any given Saturday, Texas Tech can beat any team and can lose to any team. They spread their linemen out like fifth graders playing red rover, trying stretch the defense. Then they just tell everyone to go deep. Why does this work? Well, it’s kind of like that team that ran an unbalanced offense in high school, or the one that had so many goofy formations. If they keep you on guessing and on your heels, they can beat you. The problem with this is that it flies in the face of all conventional football wisdom.

History has shown us that gimmick offenses are not the best way to win. If they were, other teams would use them. Novelties like Tech’s offense are best suited for teams that can’t otherwise compete with the football factory schools. These systems take advantage of average-to-above-average players and make the best of their abilities in an effort to shorten the gap in talent between these schools and the football factories. Tech does this with speed. They figure if you have to run with them, you are gonna have a hard time keeping up for four quarters. Call it the Steve Prefontaine offense. Other teams like Air Force, and until recently Nebraska, use unique formations and option plays to keep their opponent guessing. If your opponent has to change their game plan to suit a particular offense just for one week, there is at least a decent chance that they will be unable to completely prepare themselves, rendering the possibility of an upset. Basically, what I am saying is never to gamble on these teams under any circumstance.

The difference is that in almost every case of a novelty team (Tech) playing a stronger team (Texas, etc.) is that the stronger team will win if they are able to limit their mistakes. This is the absolute opposite of what Tech did against TCU (who I am begrudgingly calling a stronger team). The mistakes on Tech’s behalf were more plentiful than snobby TCU students wearing purple. Tech had a punt blocked and failed to convert on fourth down three times. Conversely, TCU ran the ball like a traditional power team, and capitalized on TTU’s mistakes. Their defense was able to run with Tech, holding them to only 242 yards, compared to the 586 yards surrendered by TCU the last time these two met. The only thing worse than living in a dry county like Lubbock is living in a dry county like Lubbock after your football team gets worked over something wicked. “Somebody get those guys a drink, they look terrible. No beer? Damn, grab some Mountain Dew then. This is gonna be a long night.”

The other problem is that Tech Coach Mike Leach forgot to put a defense on his team, despite the improvements they made last year. Its kind of like that scene in The Rookie where Randy Quaid finds out that the reason his baseball team’s playing field sucks is that the deer keep eating up all the grass. Didn’t anybody think to put a fence around this thing when they built it? Same thing as Texas Tech. If you don’t protect what you have, you can lose it. Tech has a great team, but when the offense stalls they need some other ways to win games. They don’t have any.

But fear not, all those faithful to the Lubbock Dirt Burglars; the season is not lost. The Big 12 is not nearly as strong as it once was. The Texas game will be tough, but games that looked tough early on (Colorado), are looking easier than Madonna during her Material Girl stage. If they limit their mistakes, Tech should be able to finish the season with somewhere between 1-3 losses. Besides, if they lose to Oklahoma, you can always just complain about the officiating until they take the loss away. (ed: ZING!)

Load up your trailers, Tech is bowl bound. But remember, if I am wrong and you do decide to join the SMU bandwagon, there is one thing you should know; you can never fail if you abandon your goals, aspirations, and every grain of higher expectations you’ve ever had. And that’s a lesson we should all learn. That’s the lesson SMU football teaches.



LUKE:

Wow, Brian. 800 words and you didn’t leave anything for me to say. So Reed, I’m going to say one thing to you. Tech sucks, why not root for SMU? Being an SMU football fan is one of the best parts of my life, and it’s for this reason: I’m never disappointed. Seriously, never. What, SMU lost again? Big deal, I was there for the two seasons we didn’t win a game. SMU won? Great, let’s go to Pluckers and get drunk! SMU’s on a bye week? Let’s go to TCU and piss on their field turf! See? There are no bad scenarios, only upside.

Let’s call it the Chili Relleno Theory. I remember Brian saying once that the best way to tell what kind of Mexican restaurant you’re in is to order a chili relleno; the theory is that anybody can hit one out of the park with a burrito or an enchilada, but only real Mexicans (and by real Mexicans I obviously mean illegal Mexicans; read between the lines, folks) can nail a good chili relleno.

Being an SMU fan is like ordering the chili relleno. If it turns out good, you’re stoked. If it comes out bad, you just get drunk and move on. Lesson learned.

That’s what we do best in Texas, anyway; get drunk and move on. Why else would all the good country songs get written here?

TPC #4

(ed: This week we bring you a random selection of several pointed questions about sports and other pertinent topics. Enjoy.)


TWO POINT CONVERSION #4: GRAB BAG


Todd B. from Sioux City, IA:
So who wins the cluster fucks we’re currently calling the American League and National League wild card races?


LUKE:

Oh God, is it September already? See, my favorite thing about the months of June, July, and August is that baseball literally doesn’t matter yet. A team could feasibly play those three months with its double-A squad on the field and still have a chance at ratcheting up into a wild card spot by the end of September. Take the Marlins for example. This team was 20 games under .500 going into the month of June. Now they’re 4 games out of a playoff spot. How the hell?

Not only is it irrelevant how bad your team was in June, it’s almost better that your team be terrible in the summer. Three of the last four World Series champions entered the playoffs as wild cards. Why wouldn’t you want to come into the playoffs as a wild card, riding a winning streak you had to put forth just to get your team out of the hole it climbed itself into during the doldrums of summer? So now it’s September and I have to suddenly start paying attention to baseball again. And for the first year in a decade and a half, I’m not allowed to pick the Braves? This sucks.

I’m picking Florida and Minnesota. You wanna know why? Because both teams were third-place teams in their own divisions a few months ago. And because both teams are riding overachieving nobodies into the driver’s seats (Or in Florida’s case, the back seat right behind the driver’s seat, where your knees get all squished up because the guy driving the car apparently thinks he’s Manute Bol and needs the maximum amount of leg room. I digress.) of their respective leagues’ wild card races. I mean, come on, why wouldn’t you want to root for guys like Joe Mauer and Dan Uggla?

The added bonus of pulling for either of these teams is that when one of them actually pulls off an improbable 7-game world series run and Disney makes an inspirational movie about it -- starring Kevin Costner as upstart Marlins manager Joe Girardi, who knows he’s going to be ousted after the season, but pushes his players anyway to make the ultimate effort and win the championship, and a full-grown Danny Almonte (Remember the 14-year old pitcher who tried to pass as a 12-year old to play in the Little League World Series a few years back? Didn’t think I’d get a Danny Almonte reference in, did you? I win.) as no-hitter throwing Anibal Sanchez -- well, you can say you rooted for them first.

So there you have it guys: the Marlins and the Twins. Get in line for World Series tickets now, because one of these teams is bound to do something historic this year. And if not, at least in a few weeks you won’t have to pay any more attention to baseball. Until next September, that is.



BRIAN:

Asking me who will win the wild card is like asking me who I think will win a presidential election after the guy I am supporting lost in the primary. Sorry to allude to politics, but it’s the only way I describe how apathetic I am since the Rangers bowed out of the AL West race. Either way, if there is one thing rap super-star P. Diddy has taught me in life, it’s that you have two options in situations like this, “Vote or Die!” I don’t want to be on the wrong end of that one. Neither do you. Let’s get to the picks…

In the Junior Circuit, I see the mighty Twinkies being able to ride the strength of Joe Nathan and their lights out bullpen to take the final playoff spot. The Chi Sox seem like an enticing pick based on a very strong rotation, solid line-up, and Jermaine Dye playing out of his freaking mind, but I think Minnesota is strong enough to hold them off.

Sure, Chicago has playoff savvy and Minnesota is reeling in the wake of Liriano getting hurt, but the Sox look beaten. Consequently, the Twins are doing their best impression of Mickey the Pikey from Snatch by refusing to take a fall despite what everyone is telling them to do, and you can never discount that. Add to this that Justin Morneau decided extend his MLB breaking-out party, and Johan Santana loses games in September about as often as Tom Cruise movies live up to their expectations, and you have a recipe for a playoff birth in the Twin Cities. Even more so, they are about to get a healthy dose of Boston, Baltimore, and Kansas City to top off their schedule. The last time any baseball team got something that easy on silver plate, a cake and a stripper were involved.

Before I move on, I want to say something to those Detroit fans out there. Despite Detroit leading the AL in wins, batting average allowed, and former Texas Rangers, they will not win the World Series. So why am I so sold on Minnie winning the wild card and Detroit winning the pennant? Because God hates the Tigers and he wants expectations to be that much higher for when they will ultimately fail in the playoffs. Tell me I’m wrong.

The National League is bit trickier. The NL has such a slew of bad teams, that even in late September, half the NL, three minor league teams, and a small girls’ softball team from Franklin, Tennessee still have hopes of representing the National League in October. Honestly, picking the NL Wild Card winner is like kicking an ant pile and trying to guess which ant won’t run aimlessly around and back into the mound. I mean does it really matter? Who ever wins the wild card will be fodder for the American League, if they make it that far. Anyways, I am contractually obligated to make a pick here so let me just check the standings real quick…ok, looks like the Dodgers are my pick. Why? They have been on fire lately, I straight-up don’t like the Phillies (minus Ryan Howard), and the Marlins’ 4-game deficit looks a bit steep. But mostly I like the Dodgers because they were at the top of the wild card race standings on ESPN when I looked about fifteen seconds ago. So there you have it. The Minnesota Twins and the Los Angeles Dodgers will win the wild cards. And yes, I am about as comfortable with these picks as I was when my father sat me down and gave me the sex talk back in middle school.

See you in October.





Drew R. from Avon, CT:
John S. from Boston, MA:
It burns when I pee. Should I get that checked out?


BRIAN:

Your problem can be solved in a few easy steps, but you need to act quickly:

1. Wash your hands thoroughly. This is very important.
2. Take off your pants and examine for bumps or any signs of a STD, no questions asked.
3. Get out two pieces of bread. Eat one if you are hungry, but make sure to replace it. You will need two pieces for this.
4. Place the bread on a plate or something that will keep it clean from foreign objects.
5. Thoroughly cover the bread with thick layers of meat and cheese. Any type will do, you can use what ever you have on hand. Once done, place the other piece of bread on top.
6. Put your pants back on and go to the doctor, bring the sandwich. You will be hungry.

You’ll be peeing like a champ in no time!



LUKE:

Brian, you couldn’t have offered worse advice to our friend here. You’re dead wrong and I’ll tell you why.

After you eat a sandwich, you’re always still hungry. You can never just finish the sandwich and be like “Mmmm that was delicious.” You always want something else to go with it. That’s why they give you chips and a soda when you go to Subway.

I say the correct waiting-in-line-at-the-clinic food has got to be a can of Pringles and a Mountain Dew. And John, stick to the original Pringles, not the crappy sour cream and onion ones or any of those other weird-ass flavors they have. And God forbid you get the ones with ridges. I will fly there and donkey-slap you myself.

Also, grab a Snickers bar too, so you’ll have some comfort food if the results are bad. Good luck dude!




Rebecca S. from St. Augustine, FL:
Everyone’s all jacked up about Reggie Bush, giving him nicknames like “The President” and “Saint Reggie.” What’s a nickname for Bush that might reflect more realistic expectations for his season?


LUKE:

How about “Pro Bowl Runner Up and Playoff Bystander Reggie Bush”?


BRIAN:

I like “Former New Orleans Saints Running Back Reggie Bush”.




(ed: That's all for this edition, folks. Leave a comment or question or else. We mean that.)

A couple of things I thought of while attending the SMU/ NTSU Game last week...

1. SMU lost the game plain and simple: That is if you count that their starting running back got hurt in the first quarter, either way I still believe SMU is a better team than UNT that is why this game was considered an upset. (Need proof? Just look at the Definition of the word.) I believe they were outplayed and out-willed in this game. UNT was dieing for respect. They got it. Congrats to the Eagles...err...the Mean Green...errr...whatever.

With that out of the way...

2. What other high school teams play at Fouts Field?: Does Plano East or Slippery Rock get a chance to play there too or would that be a too much of a drop in quality of the stadium?

3. Is there any truth to the rumor that UNT dropped their academic program? Anyone?

4. UNT Fans do NOT know how to heckle or stand up for their team:

Case in point: I heard or saw the following things while at the game as I yelled at opposing fans till the SMU section cheered:

A. UNT fans seem to believe that they have copywrited "The Shocker" by using it as a symbol of what they are going to do to opposing teams. One can look here and see that nowhere does it mention anything about UNT and "The Shocker." In fact, it has a picture of a cheerleader from Wichita State displaying it in all of its glory. Stop acting like its yours. You can do it to opposing fans, but we can do it right back. That's pointless, it's like calling someone a jerk. Stop it. Besides, UNT sounds a bit more like "cunt" than SMU does.

B. An old man in jorts was in the UNT student section. He yelled at me once. I repeat once, before I ripped into him for his blatant dishonesty in age. Old men shouldn't be in the student section, nor should they try to trash talk students. Ask his son. Jorts, age, the fact that he was probably still a student, they were all fair game. Do everyone a favor and stay out of the student section. That's like cannon fodder for experienced hecklers like Pat and I. And yes, the reason we can heckle so good is that our team is so bad. You need to be able to trash talk to stay in it when your team is down by thirty. UNT fans should know this as well as anyone else.

C. Two slick looking fellows in Kenneth Cole shoes and striped shirts that looked about three sizes too small decided to tell me to watch my language because of the ladies. Don't get me started, see section B above. Stay the hell out of the student section.

D. Some little UNT fan turns to us calls us gay (very creative) and then refuses to look back when I call him out. Sorry son, man up. A real fan will defend his team not throw a stone and run. Do the Mean Green a favor and don't show up for the next game.

E. Once the game was in hand for UNT some idiot fan drops this bit on me, "Go back to Dallas. Why don't you back to Dallas and SMU and make another million dollars?" Ok, can I go now or do I have to wait?

Not one rational person could convince me to stay in that hole called Denton. Listen, pal, your doing us a favor by getting the game over with quickly. Maybe our football team sucks, but at least no one chants "Safety School" towards us at our games. And, oh yeah, check the standings we have a far better athletic program than you, we call them ranked teams. (It hurt me to say that because football is all that matters to me despite SMU's other great teams.)

Either way, I think his little group of friends got it best when I told them that lower to mid-management is a nice goal to have and I would give them some nice benefits when they came and worked for me. There was dead silence before some girl with him called me a jerk. Tisk, tisk, see section A, we covered this. Lets be a bit more creative next time shall we?

5. This could have been in the last section, but I wanted a solid number like "5.":
Next time a team decides to run its mouth too much about beating another they should check the scoreboard. No, not the game scoreboard, I'm talking the "all-time scoreboard." Yes, that may sound lame, but I think you should know that in the thirty-two times SMU and UNT have played, UNT has now won a whopping four times. That’s right SMU is 28-4 against you. Let me put that another way. Since man has been walking the Earth, you have only beaten us four times, meaning that SMU has beat you 88% of the time. So have your party now, but I have one question, where does UNT keep its National Championship trophies? I'd like to see one. I'll wait while you guys get back to me on that.

And yes, this was written out of pure bitterness.

Viddy

Letter from the Editors

Dear faithful readers,

We at Two Point Conversion would like to apologize for the lull in coverage this past week, a regrettable occurence for which we have prepared the following excuses: Luke was training at his new job, Viddy was recovering from his birthday, and Patrick was blackout drunk.

Never fear, though, as we have a veritable cornucopia of new material headed your way this week, chock-full of pointed observations and sports acumen, destined to amuse, entertain, and explode your feeble little brains.

As always, we at TPC would like to remind you that the best way to ensure your sports-humor fix gets satisfied on a daily or almost-daily basis is to submit questions via the handy "comment" feature on the bottom of each entry. It has come to our attention that there are several readers who have taken the liberty of enjoying our free-to-read hilarity without contributing the necessary tithe of a question or two to be answered at a later date. So get your questions in, folks, so we can quit guessing at what you want to read about and start writing about stuff that interests you.

With love, admiration, and not the least bit of guile,

The Two Point Conversion editorial staff

Two Point Conversion #3: SMU vs. UNT

D F W-T-F: SMU vs. UNT

Nicole from Dallas, TX:
Alright guys, SMU visits cross-town rival UNT this week, with both teams coming off dismal displays against in-state powerhouses. Does either team even deserve to win this game, and which one will?


LUKE:

Before I start, I want to say that I loved every bit of every minute of the three years I spent at SMU completing a semester and a half’s worth of work, and not just because all the sorority girls are beautiful and nearly always drunk (though they are). I think the students, the campus, the city, and even the football team is wonderful. I say that knowing that what I’m about to say next is going to garner me a lot of flak from the veritable tens of SMU students, faculty, fans, and cheerleaders who read this (I’m looking in your direction, Jacobsen). Here goes.

It’s that time of year again, time for the annual least-watched-game in all of college football, which this year goes to this week’s sleepy-time matchup, SMU vs. UNT, two teams chock-full of sought-after recruits who just weren't quite good enough to start for their high school teams. Predicting this game is a bit like predicting which Olsen twin will get the better Christmas present this year. The real answer is “who the fuck cares?” and the only people who do care are a little bit sick, a little bit obsessed, and have far too much time on their hands. This contest is the ultimate undercard. If Viddy, Patrick, and I had a contest for who could drink the most beer without throwing up all over each other’s girlfriends, the SMU-UNT game would be the non-televised event of the evening, the warm-up match before the real fight gets underway. It’s that boring. Together, these two teams might put up fewer points than FSU and Miami put up rushing yards. I’m serious. (ed: In case you missed the game Monday night, FSU and Miami combined for 3 rushing yards. That’s right, three.)

Last week, each team played the customary away-game-massacre-at-the-hands-of-a-Big-12-school, with UNT crumbling 56-7 to national champion Texas, and SMU managing just 3 points to the 35 racked up by Texas Tech. Neither of these performances is particularly inspiring, but I’ve got to believe that scoring a whole touchdown against a team with the heavyweight belt around its waist counts for a little more than limping out with only a field goal against the Phoenix Suns of college football, a team with a defense so traditionally suspect that even Mike Martz thinks they should man up and tackle somebody.

Listen, Mustangs. Don’t despair. You’re clearly a team on the rise; your players are buying into Coach Bennett’s philosophy, and you won more games last year than in any of the previous eight. Hell, you even beat TCU last year, one week after they embarrassed Oklahoma in Norman. Nobody would love to see you win this weekend more than me. Of course, nobody would love to see me wake up next to Mischa Barton more than me, either. Neither one is likely to happen on Saturday, though, unless Mischa starts returning my phone calls.

At least you’ve still got that iron skillet, eh, SMU?




BRIAN:

Wow, It’s the DFW Pillow Fight of the Week. Who will win: SMU or UNT? That’s like asking whose coaching shorts smell worse after a 100-degree afternoon practice, Charlie Weis’s or Bill Parcells’s? Does anyone really want to know?

I guess that in this battle of teams who had their respective lunches handed to them by what many consider to be the two best teams in the Big 12, you have to look at what the teams were able to accomplish. UNT was able to manage 80 total yards of offense against Texas and that’s with negative 8 yards being put forth in the rushing game, most of them coming on one drive, the showing of a team that is solid enough that it is only able to get all cylinders firing together for ONE series of an entire game. Look out, Big 12! The frightening part about this is that it means that UNT’s passing game was its only silver lining. Silver lining? Is that the term we want to use? No, wait bronze lining…no…ok, rusty colored lining. Yeah, that’s it. The passing game was their sharp, jagged, rusty lining. And good news, if the passing game was UNTs only shining spot, Mean Green fans can look forward to the fact that Coach Dickey derailed that by replacing his starting quarterback and putting a freshman under center this week. I know what all you are thinking: what does this mean? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, it’s UNT for Pete’s sake.

The great running game of both North Texas and the high-powered Sunbelt High School Football League came through in midseason form to show that no matter what numbers they put up in conference play, you cannot, under any circumstance, take them seriously. This would be like getting your current events from the supermarket tabloids, things your grandmother told you, or FOX News. To their credit, they were able to score a touchdown on Texas, and they were even able to make the extra point too. Take that, naysayers!

On the other side, the SMU Ponies were only able to manage a field goal against what many still consider a suspect defense. After coming out to a quick, but commanding, 3-point lead, SMU ran the ball for most of the game and managed 118 yards rushing, but only 71 in the air. Defensively, SMU was unable to take advantage of the fact that Tech’s offensive line’s splits are nearly as wide as the marching band’s, but this shouldn’t come as a surprise to the SMU faithful who have come to expect weekly endeavors of being over-matched and finding ways to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory. I don’t put as much stock in the 500 yards SMU gave up only because both Tech, and surprisingly SMU, regularly put up numbers like that. Not to be outdone, North Texas ranks last in both NCAA total offense and scoring defense. Of course, that’s not a good thing either.

I think much of this game will come down to coaching. SMU’s Phil Bennett showed his coaching prowess when he thought attempting a 49 yard field goal into the wind would be a great idea for SMU when they were already down to the high powered Tech offense. Of course the ball didn’t even make it to the end zone, but that much blind faith in hasn’t been seen since the advent of Scientology. Way to go, Phil!

My prediction: SMU coach Phil Bennett will pull out all the stops by cracking open his old Tecmo Bowl instructions manual, picking out highly coordinated plays such as “Run 1” and “Run 2.” Meanwhile, Coach Dickey, over on the UNT side, will be vehemently pleading to the fans in the student section, trying to gain some grain of credibility for some ridiculous record -- like an NCAA rushing leader or a conference winning streak that North Texas achieved while playing a conference schedule that looks strikingly like a batch of cupcakes that my mother made for me on my birthday a few years ago -- while SMU slaps them around like Uma Thurman in the beginning of Kill Bill.

SMU rolls. But hey, it's still SMU…

Two Point Conversion #2: Dallas Cowboys

In honor of the NFL season beginning this Thursday, all TPC questions this week will be football-related. In addition, be on the lookout for feature columns by Luke, Brian, and a developing cast of others. Today we tackle a question of particular local interest. Read on, faithful readers.



COWBOY UP, BITCHES


Dan F. from Shelby, PA:
I laid down a football futures bet at 11:1 on the Cowboys to win it all. Do they have a legitimate shot at winning the super bowl this year?



LUKE:

I hate to break it to you, Dan, but I think you got fleeced. The Cowboys have looked great in the preseason, but preseason play is rarely an indication of regular season glory. Teams who dominate the preseason are generally teams who are entertaining competition for a variety of starting spots, and the Cowboys have too many questions to maintain their preseason clip against regular-season opponents.

Let’s start with the schedule. Every year, one or two strong divisions get a bad shake and have to play each other. This year, those divisions are the NFC East and AFC South. The NFC East is arguably the most difficult division in the NFL; couple that with the 4 games against the AFC South, a deceptively strong division with the Colts and Jaguars coming off double-digit win seasons, and the potential for the NFC wild card to come out of the East doesn’t look good. The Eagles may not pose much of a challenge, but Washington is the early favorite, and the Giants have all the pieces in place to make a strong run at a division title.

Looking to the roster, the Cowboys lack depth at nearly every important position. An area of significant concern seems to be the offensive line, where 31-year old Flozell Adams is the de facto starter at left tackle over rookie 7th-round pick Pat McQuistan, and Marc Colombo and Rob Petitti are locked up in a tight competition for who can lose the starting right tackle job first. With those two tackle situations, it’s nearly a given that the statuesque Drew Bledsoe is going to take a hit or two this season. The last time he went down mid-season, his team won the Super Bowl, but Tony Romo is no Tom Brady. It goes without saying that any team needs a little luck to win a title, but the Cowboys must avoid injuries across the board to survive. Any injury at a key position sinks the ‘Boys for the season.

11:1 isn’t terrible odds for any legitimate title contender, Dan, but the Cowboys just aren’t a contender this season. They need to get younger and deeper at important positions, and even if Parcells stays after this season, they’re still a year away.




BRIAN:

Dan, you sir, are correct. You placed your money in the right place. Last year the Cowboys were not even in talks of becoming Super Bowl contenders, but before long the Boys could have punched their own ticket to the playoffs. Their demise last year came from sloppy play when it mattered most, i.e. the Thanksgiving Day game against Denver. Playing under Parcells’s system another year can only improve on last year’s underachieving performances.

While under the Parcells regime, the Cowboys have improved at every position. From end to end they have shown improvement, with notable advancements at quarterback, wide receiver, running back, place kicker, secondary, and Coach Parcells’s breast size. The addition of T.O. at wideout should open up the field for Terry Glenn, and even moreso for Bledsoe favorite Jason Witten. Whether T.O. gets solid playing time as the number one receiver, or as a number three guy, he opens up the offense for every other player to excel. In addition, he will keep the pressure of the main weakness of this team, the offensive line, by keeping the defense from lining up eight men in the box.

As for concern about Drew Bledsoe at quarterback, I think those rumors can be put to rest. Citing his last two preseason performances where he led the Boys’ offense without issue, and his own lack of knowledge of the supposed ‘QB controversy,’ I wouldn’t put too much stock into quarterback issues in Dallas.

Looking to the schedule, I don’t see as much concern as Luke does. While the Cowboys do draw some of the better teams in the AFC South, they should be able to handle a beatable Jacksonville team, and they spot-up to Indy at home. As far as the NFC East goes, the division looks like it usually does, like a bag of wet fire works. Some teams could be highly explosive, while others could just be duds. Washington looks great on paper, but has no real solid quarterback nor running back if Portis stays injured. New York looks to make a run for the title, but seems as aimless an Eli Manning throw on third and short. Philly is…well, who knows what they are going to do, but when you add Donte’ Stallworth to your plans, its safe to say that things are not going entirely well.

Every year six teams return to the playoffs, and six fall, offering an opportunity to an up and coming team. Dallas seems poised to make their run. All in all, it will take Dallas getting off to a strong start to win this division, but based on growth from last year, improvements on offense, and their vastly underrated defense, Dallas seems at least a contender to take the NFC crown.

Two Point Conversion: Episode 1

(editor's note: This is the first installment of Two Point Conversion, an updated-at-random question-and-answer column written by rising young sportswriting wunderkinds Luke Peacock and Brian Vidrik. Please feel invited to ask questions -- even and especially non-sports-related questions if need be -- of these two brilliant young men, and maybe you'll see yours answered in a TPC edition in the near future. Enjoy.)




BUT WHAT ABOUT BRETT...FAAVV-RUUH?


Samantha D. from Cuyahoga Falls, WI:
I am a huge Brett Favre fan, and every year I pray for him not to retire. Then, every time he throws an interception, I cringe. Is it time for Number 4 to hang it up?




BRIAN:

Retire? No. Settle down, Samantha. Favre is not nearly as bad as we are making him out to be. This is a guy who, at his age, has more talent for what he does than almost everyone in the world, with the possible exceptions of Peyton Manning and Superman. It is not true that Brett Favre would play for football for free, or would keep playing just to play the game, as ESPN would have us believe. Brett wants to win, plain and simple. And he can win. He just needs the team to do it.

Favre’s playmaking ability is still there, he just lacks the playmakers to help him compete. Favre needs a similar situation to what John Elway had in his final years, a fantastic team built around a legitimate young star. His leadership and competitiveness could be the driving force behind a team’s success were he put in the right place. Elway had Terrell Davis, Shannon Sharpe, Rod Smith, Ed McCaffrey, and an amazing offensive line. Favre has…has…umm…Donald Driver? Look, no offense to Samkon Gado and the rest of the Packers, but this is not what you would call a talented football team. Let’s face it; this Packers team is so young and inexperienced that Favre is more or less a glorified babysitter who is one dirty diaper away from doing his British nanny impression, and giving the “shaken baby treatment” to the entire team. What am I trying to say? Favre should be done in Green Bay.

So what do you do? You trade him to a team that could use a veteran quarterback. You trade him to a team that has playmakers. You trade him to a team that will reignite interest from both the players and the fans by adding a player like Favre. You trade him to team that is so aged with veterans that it could win a wine and cheese competition. You trade him to the Oakland Raiders, or what I like to call “The Senior Circuit.” Think about it. Oakland has Mike Vick’s cousin Aaron Brooks, who might be living proof that talent is not hereditary as we think, playing quarterback. What’s worse is that they just recently signed Jeff George to play for them too. I am no talent scout, but when your potential starting quarterback looks like the “before” picture in a Rogaine advertisement, you should start panicking.

Favre’s recent poor performances come from trying to make plays that are not there, not from a lack of talent. In Oakland he won’t have to make these plays. In fact, by joining Randy Moss and Warren Sapp he will be one of many stars on the team who no longer makes plays on his own. Just think though, who better to go up and grab his errant throws than Moss? And who better to plug the ball up the middle for him than rising star LaMont Jordan? Even Favre’s best feature, his competitiveness, should help to fire up Jerry Porter, and might even entice Sapp to come out of his hibernation cave to actually play a few games this season.

Wouldn’t that be nice? A real football team in Oakland led by Brett Favre? With some proven veterans? That would be incredible. His jersey would fly off the shelves, and he would have a chance to prove that he still is the gunslinger that we all knew him as. Or I could just be crazy, but hey its worth a shot.




LUKE:

Well, Brian, I agree with you on one account. 2006 is not the year Brett Favre should retire. Unfortunately, neither is 2007 or 2008. The year Brett Favre should have retired was 2004, before he embarrassed himself with 2005’s dismal performance and this ill-advised comeback tour in 2006.

I can understand Favre’s eagerness to return in 2005. His team was coming off a 10-6 season in which they won the admittedly terrible NFC North, and seemed ready to make a credible title run. Then came Javon Walker’s and Ahman Green’s injuries. Then came the interceptions. Then the losses, and the missed postseason, and the offseason during which the team did more to hurt itself (letting Pro-Bowl guards Marco Rivera and Mike Wahle walk in free agency without attempting to replace them) than to help itself return to its former prominence.

In 2005, Favre posted career-lows in yards per completion and passer rating, while posting a career-high in interceptions, besting his previous mark, set 12 years prior in his first full season as a starter, by more than 20 percent. Watching his performance in the 2006 preseason, he may set new career lows and highs in those categories yet again this season. He’s skittish in the pocket, throwing off balance and forcing throws he can no longer make into coverage he can no longer see.

And please, trade Favre to another team? If ever there were an untradeable player, Favre is it. Remember how painful it was to watch Montana finish his career as a Chief? Or Emmitt Smith as an Arizona Cardinal? How about Jerry Rice flip-flopping among the Raiders, Seahawks, and Broncos before finally returning to San Francisco to retire? Favre has a legacy in Green Bay. He has championships; there are roads named after him. He’s a first-ballot Hall of Famer, and will rest among Curly Lambeau, Vince Lombardi, and Bart Starr as the best to ever don a Packers uniform. You want him to taint that by playing a lost season in a Raiders uniform? That’s first-degree blasphemy.

Samantha, your creeping suspicion that the great Brett Favre has seen his better days is absolutely correct. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it but Favre. Green Bay spent a first-round pick two years ago on a guy they expect will succeed Favre in the near future. It’s time for the NFL’s ironman to pack up his cleats and spend more time with his family in Mississippi. Let the Aaron Rogers era in Green Bay begin.