TPC #4

(ed: This week we bring you a random selection of several pointed questions about sports and other pertinent topics. Enjoy.)


TWO POINT CONVERSION #4: GRAB BAG


Todd B. from Sioux City, IA:
So who wins the cluster fucks we’re currently calling the American League and National League wild card races?


LUKE:

Oh God, is it September already? See, my favorite thing about the months of June, July, and August is that baseball literally doesn’t matter yet. A team could feasibly play those three months with its double-A squad on the field and still have a chance at ratcheting up into a wild card spot by the end of September. Take the Marlins for example. This team was 20 games under .500 going into the month of June. Now they’re 4 games out of a playoff spot. How the hell?

Not only is it irrelevant how bad your team was in June, it’s almost better that your team be terrible in the summer. Three of the last four World Series champions entered the playoffs as wild cards. Why wouldn’t you want to come into the playoffs as a wild card, riding a winning streak you had to put forth just to get your team out of the hole it climbed itself into during the doldrums of summer? So now it’s September and I have to suddenly start paying attention to baseball again. And for the first year in a decade and a half, I’m not allowed to pick the Braves? This sucks.

I’m picking Florida and Minnesota. You wanna know why? Because both teams were third-place teams in their own divisions a few months ago. And because both teams are riding overachieving nobodies into the driver’s seats (Or in Florida’s case, the back seat right behind the driver’s seat, where your knees get all squished up because the guy driving the car apparently thinks he’s Manute Bol and needs the maximum amount of leg room. I digress.) of their respective leagues’ wild card races. I mean, come on, why wouldn’t you want to root for guys like Joe Mauer and Dan Uggla?

The added bonus of pulling for either of these teams is that when one of them actually pulls off an improbable 7-game world series run and Disney makes an inspirational movie about it -- starring Kevin Costner as upstart Marlins manager Joe Girardi, who knows he’s going to be ousted after the season, but pushes his players anyway to make the ultimate effort and win the championship, and a full-grown Danny Almonte (Remember the 14-year old pitcher who tried to pass as a 12-year old to play in the Little League World Series a few years back? Didn’t think I’d get a Danny Almonte reference in, did you? I win.) as no-hitter throwing Anibal Sanchez -- well, you can say you rooted for them first.

So there you have it guys: the Marlins and the Twins. Get in line for World Series tickets now, because one of these teams is bound to do something historic this year. And if not, at least in a few weeks you won’t have to pay any more attention to baseball. Until next September, that is.



BRIAN:

Asking me who will win the wild card is like asking me who I think will win a presidential election after the guy I am supporting lost in the primary. Sorry to allude to politics, but it’s the only way I describe how apathetic I am since the Rangers bowed out of the AL West race. Either way, if there is one thing rap super-star P. Diddy has taught me in life, it’s that you have two options in situations like this, “Vote or Die!” I don’t want to be on the wrong end of that one. Neither do you. Let’s get to the picks…

In the Junior Circuit, I see the mighty Twinkies being able to ride the strength of Joe Nathan and their lights out bullpen to take the final playoff spot. The Chi Sox seem like an enticing pick based on a very strong rotation, solid line-up, and Jermaine Dye playing out of his freaking mind, but I think Minnesota is strong enough to hold them off.

Sure, Chicago has playoff savvy and Minnesota is reeling in the wake of Liriano getting hurt, but the Sox look beaten. Consequently, the Twins are doing their best impression of Mickey the Pikey from Snatch by refusing to take a fall despite what everyone is telling them to do, and you can never discount that. Add to this that Justin Morneau decided extend his MLB breaking-out party, and Johan Santana loses games in September about as often as Tom Cruise movies live up to their expectations, and you have a recipe for a playoff birth in the Twin Cities. Even more so, they are about to get a healthy dose of Boston, Baltimore, and Kansas City to top off their schedule. The last time any baseball team got something that easy on silver plate, a cake and a stripper were involved.

Before I move on, I want to say something to those Detroit fans out there. Despite Detroit leading the AL in wins, batting average allowed, and former Texas Rangers, they will not win the World Series. So why am I so sold on Minnie winning the wild card and Detroit winning the pennant? Because God hates the Tigers and he wants expectations to be that much higher for when they will ultimately fail in the playoffs. Tell me I’m wrong.

The National League is bit trickier. The NL has such a slew of bad teams, that even in late September, half the NL, three minor league teams, and a small girls’ softball team from Franklin, Tennessee still have hopes of representing the National League in October. Honestly, picking the NL Wild Card winner is like kicking an ant pile and trying to guess which ant won’t run aimlessly around and back into the mound. I mean does it really matter? Who ever wins the wild card will be fodder for the American League, if they make it that far. Anyways, I am contractually obligated to make a pick here so let me just check the standings real quick…ok, looks like the Dodgers are my pick. Why? They have been on fire lately, I straight-up don’t like the Phillies (minus Ryan Howard), and the Marlins’ 4-game deficit looks a bit steep. But mostly I like the Dodgers because they were at the top of the wild card race standings on ESPN when I looked about fifteen seconds ago. So there you have it. The Minnesota Twins and the Los Angeles Dodgers will win the wild cards. And yes, I am about as comfortable with these picks as I was when my father sat me down and gave me the sex talk back in middle school.

See you in October.





Drew R. from Avon, CT:
John S. from Boston, MA:
It burns when I pee. Should I get that checked out?


BRIAN:

Your problem can be solved in a few easy steps, but you need to act quickly:

1. Wash your hands thoroughly. This is very important.
2. Take off your pants and examine for bumps or any signs of a STD, no questions asked.
3. Get out two pieces of bread. Eat one if you are hungry, but make sure to replace it. You will need two pieces for this.
4. Place the bread on a plate or something that will keep it clean from foreign objects.
5. Thoroughly cover the bread with thick layers of meat and cheese. Any type will do, you can use what ever you have on hand. Once done, place the other piece of bread on top.
6. Put your pants back on and go to the doctor, bring the sandwich. You will be hungry.

You’ll be peeing like a champ in no time!



LUKE:

Brian, you couldn’t have offered worse advice to our friend here. You’re dead wrong and I’ll tell you why.

After you eat a sandwich, you’re always still hungry. You can never just finish the sandwich and be like “Mmmm that was delicious.” You always want something else to go with it. That’s why they give you chips and a soda when you go to Subway.

I say the correct waiting-in-line-at-the-clinic food has got to be a can of Pringles and a Mountain Dew. And John, stick to the original Pringles, not the crappy sour cream and onion ones or any of those other weird-ass flavors they have. And God forbid you get the ones with ridges. I will fly there and donkey-slap you myself.

Also, grab a Snickers bar too, so you’ll have some comfort food if the results are bad. Good luck dude!




Rebecca S. from St. Augustine, FL:
Everyone’s all jacked up about Reggie Bush, giving him nicknames like “The President” and “Saint Reggie.” What’s a nickname for Bush that might reflect more realistic expectations for his season?


LUKE:

How about “Pro Bowl Runner Up and Playoff Bystander Reggie Bush”?


BRIAN:

I like “Former New Orleans Saints Running Back Reggie Bush”.




(ed: That's all for this edition, folks. Leave a comment or question or else. We mean that.)